TatyanaFLR

My greatest love affair was with someone discovering themselves. New adventures. Pushing boundaries. Understanding who they were and how they fit in to the world. They were discovering their strength, and accepting their weaknesses. I fell in love.

Who was this wondrous person? Me. My greatest love affair was with myself. After a failed, toxic marriage I needed to find myself again. I was a broken human. I was a single parent with little support. My family was far away. My friends were limited because he made it that way. Like a caterpillar in to a butterfly, my journey that year gave me wings, beauty and hope.

I spent some time after my marriage looking to be whole in the wrong places. I dated off and on, but was always skeptical. I had hookups, but for the wrong reasons. I entered in to a D/s relationship as the sub( shocker, I know) The relationship was meant to be just a sexual release. It was meant to calm me. What actually happened is that I comfirmed that as much as I like sub play sometimes, I am not a submissive. It was not fun, it was not calming. It added to my stress, even more so when it started to spill in to my regular life. He became domineering, not just dominant.

After that experience, I decided to regroup and focus on me. I bought a house, I continued my education, I worked hard. I learned that it was not only ok to make myself a priority, but often necessary. I took time to analyze my dating faux-pas and tried to understand the whys. I discovered that I was always trying to please everyone else, or do what was expected of me. This was detrimental to me. I took the time to “date” myself. I took myself out , I listened to myself and got to know me.

I discovered that I’m a valuable human. I discovered that I will always need time for me. I discovered that when my needs are met, I am able to meet others needs even more. I discovered that I am kind and patient, that I’m an empath in any ways. I discovered that I am intelligent. I discovered that I am strong and a force to be reckoned with. I fell in love with me. With any loving relationship it is always a work in progress, but I am my soulmate, right next to Hopeful.

Hopeful answered my message! Now what?? This is that man that had always had a piece of my heart. I loved him. I hated him for letting me go. I wanted to show him what he had missed.

We talked back and forth and finally came up with a time we could meet. I had butterflies. I dressed to impress. We had dinner that night and we have been having dinner together ever since. He made me laugh, I made him want to kiss me. The years melted away and we connected. That was almost 5 years ago.

In that time we had built a great friendship, partnership and marriage. What we hadn’t done is build a great sex life. We enjoyed each other but could never quite communicate.We worked in every other way. We each had our own misgivings about showing our true selves. For me, a sexual creature, a woman, just how was that going to be percieved? We limped along and then fell into torturous routine. I say torturous because one thing I need and crave, especially in sex is variety. It got so bad that it started to affect our marriage.

Hopeful bravely came to me one night and revealed his secret. He had always hinted at keeping a kinky secret. I knew of his sexual past and had some guesses. Never did I imagine this. He had no idea how I was going to take the news that he fantasized about being a cuck. My eyes lit up! I was so happy and relieved that this was the conversation we ended up having and not who was going to leave the house. He saved our marriage by opening up.

While he always hinted at his kinky secret, I kept all my sexual self under wraps. Hopeful thought I was an innocent vanilla girl. I had revealed parts of my true sexual self in other relationships and was met with less than welcoming attitudes. When Hopeful made himself vulnerable to me, it opened the door for me to trust him completely.

We spent days and days having multiple conversations about how we wanted to proceed. I had never really heard of cuckolding exactly. I knew about open relationships, I knew a fair amount about kinks. I spent some time as a sub and some as a Domme, but in passing casual relationships. In a strongly committed relationship, I had never successfully been able to balance my sexual kinks and desires with a partnership. Those men viewed me as a mother, wife, girlfriend but couldn’t see me as the powerful sexual creature I am.

I’ve always had a commanding way about me. I was raised by a single mother. She taught me to be fierce and independent. I was never the princess that needed rescuing.

We have been exploring the cuckolding lifestyle and living an FLR for about 7 months now. It has certainly evolved over time and I’m sure will continue to. Hopeful no longer believes that I’m a vanilla girl. He understands that I’m a dominating woman.

and our journey continues……

My journey to Being a Cuckoldress.

            It is an interesting question, when asked: What led me to becoming a cuckoldress? I have pondered this. It led me to the conclusion that for all of us our journey starts well before we are even aware of it. We are a sum of our experiences.

            As a young girl I was very shy (I know, hard to believe). I still have some introvert qualities. As that young girl, I learned to observe. I looked at people, their reactions, the things that made them happy and sad. I learned quickly, as an introvert the best way to act to get the reactions or things that I needed. I was raised by a single mom that taught me to be independent. My mom will tell you stories about despite my overall shyness, I was fiercely independent and willful when I was determined. My mother grew up in an era where women had their place and so those expectations were passed on. I think all women are taught they must fit in to a cookie cutter role, at least for my generation.

            My being an introvert and societal expectations of me went hand in hand as I came into my awkward teenage years. I was not part of the “cool kids” I had friends in every clique though. I never had a boyfriend in high school. I was always trying to do the right thing, to wear the right clothes, be the right girl. I was still and observer and very smart. I talked my way into good grades without doing much of the work.

            After high school I joined the military. My actual first sexual experience took place in a dorm room while I was at school for my military job. It was terrible. It hurt, not only physically but emotionally. As a girl trying to find my way sexually, I equated sex with love. If he is having sex with me, he must like me, right? Maybe if I just have more sex whether, I am feeling fulfilled or not, then maybe that is how I find someone to care about me. We all know how that goes…

            Now fast forward in my military career. My self esteem has improved. I have discovered that having a vagina can be used to my advantage. My tease game started early. I understand how to get dinner and drinks. I understand how to have things done for me. I use my skills for good, not evil…my good that is. I am still looking for love. I had fleeting “relationships”, but nothing stuck.

            I met the Hopeful Cuck when I was 21. My heart recognized him. He was the one. We were children and each still finding our way in the world. We were together for almost a year. He broke my heart. My reaction to my sorrow was to go a bit wild. It was a blessing in disguise. I opened a floodgate of sexual experiences. Still trying to find love though. My self-esteem, trying to figure out who I am as a woman, still a work in progress at that point.

            I met my first husband and tried to build a life. He was controlling and verbally abusive. I said before we are a sum of our experiences. I had always been a strong person. That marriage made me stronger.  I grew to know that I would NEVER be controlled again. I would never again give anyone that much power over me…ever.

            My sex life after my marriage was nonexistent for a while as I was raising children. I again had some fleeting vanilla relationships. I was never quite happy in them. Anytime I tried to explore something more sexually, I ended up losing something romantically. I had a boyfriend that checked every box, was perfect on paper. He unknowingly was my first sub in many ways. I told him what to do, when to do it. I made all the choices, essentially. The sex…bleh. Ordering someone around with no tease game, no satisfaction or communication, with no sexual thrill? It turns out that is not much fun at all.

            I continued my journey of trying to find the perfect combo of love and sex. I had casual encounters. I tried internet dating. I was even in a D/s relationship for a period of time as the sub. It was then that I utterly understood that while I enjoyed some sub play, I am NOT submissive.

            Fast forward to 27 years after Hopeful crushed my heart. I saw him tagged in a picture on Facebook. I sent him a message and he answered. My heart was joyous.